


it hurts; the oozing slime in her throat

by Sousha



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Title: Local Teenager Feels Better By Projecting Onto Favorite Character, Character Death, F/F, OOC, Open Ending, Suicide, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 14:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20323720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sousha/pseuds/Sousha
Summary: It’s a vent fic. Read the tags, stay clear if you don’t want to read it.Hina falls, and she doesn’t know if she can climb back up. She doesn’t know if she wants to, at all.





	it hurts; the oozing slime in her throat

It was for long as she had lived until that very moment; she had never known a certain feeling. It was longing, the piercing, all-encompassing envy of what someone else had and what you lacked. She wanted for understanding, true understanding. But as she reached out to the sweet pink haired girl and her hand was softly, sadly turned away, the new emotion bubbled up in her chest and to her heart, and Hina felt as if she was going to die. Perhaps it was because it was such an unfamiliar, alien emotion, or maybe because she was an alien to the emotion, either way, it hurt. God, did it hurt. 

When the other girl had left, guilt reflected in her eyes and her tears as she broke the link they had, Hina felt hollow. It was a bit better than longing, and she had felt it before, she understood it’s effect on her as an unknown entity, making it so that nothing she did made her happy. It had happened at times, those times when her sister was colder and her club room seemed bigger. She hugged her pillow, recoiling as she heard a car start and begin to drive down the road. It could be Aya, it could not. She didn’t know. What did she know? Only things that made her miserable, that made others miserable.

Her legs felt restless, like she could stand up and run at any moment. She didn’t know where, whether it was to grab hold of the pink haired bubblegum girl who entranced her, or if she wanted to run away, to get as far away from her as possible and forget about it. Either way, it wouldn’t help. All she knew was that she thought she was beginning to understand why nobody stayed by her side, why her highschool club stopped getting members once she was the only one there. It was her fault, right? That’s why nobody ever came, it’s why her club was gotten rid of after she left.

But she would never really understand, would she? No matter how much she told herself it was what made her unique, what made her special, it was the reason behind her twin sister never wanted to speak to her, why her girlfriend left, why all of her friends never truly opened up to her. It was because they knew Hina would never understand them, despite her best efforts. But it wasn’t only that part of her, it was her. It was just her. Yet however she didn’t understand them, it still hurt, and hurt it did as she held back sobs forming in the back of her throat. What could she do with her genius intellect if she couldn’t stop hurting people?

What was the point, when no matter what she did, it never enthralled her? Nothing she ever did challenged her, pushed her to the limits, let her spirit free. No matter how many paths she tried, it always came spiraling down into empty boredom, in which the only thing she has left was sadness and bad decisions. The only thing she could never properly understand, was never good at, it was people. But she couldn’t meet any more of them, how could she, when all that would happen was hurt. 

She saw that now. Finally, she understood.

“Onee-chan...” She managed to speak softly, turning her phone on with shaky hands, and seeing her wallpaper, a stolen photo of her twin sister. Sayo looked almost completely content in her small smile and blush, looking at Lisa as if she was the most important, most precious person in the world. Then she remembered Sayo’s smile falling as she saw the camera, her sigh, her cold eyes as she told Hina to erase it.

Longing; jealousy; envy; she had heard the words thrown around when she looked it up, when she asked other people what she was doing wrong. Hina felt the feeling in her chest, the longing, the jealousy of people who weren’t like her, start to emerge. She had never known she could feel it beforehand, but it had been there, always waiting to be triggered, but being locked away to taunt her, to never let her understand her sister’s plight.

Hina cried, and it was mostly guilt, but some of it was not understanding who she was anymore. She wasn’t special, she had never been simply unique for her alienation, she had always been a lacking anomaly. She had never understood, but now, she did.

Aya fell in love with another girl, a soft, blue haired girl who worked in the same part-time job as her. The girl was, from what Hina heard, unlike her in many ways. She was shy, soft, and she understood Aya’s struggles without needing words to spell it out. Kanon had charmed the heart of the girl she loved, and was a better person and girlfriend, all around. They were all soft smiles, cozy hugs, pulling each other along. Never would Kanon make Aya cry for being inadequate, or bully her without knowing.

Hina laughed while she ate a fry, realizing that Kanon was working at the place she had walked into. Of course she did, if she had thought about it. Hina had gotten the habit of going there because her girlfriend had worked there. She would think that a genius would remember. But what did that matter when the only thing she felt was jealousy? The people around her, the loud, haunting laughter, it used to be fun, interesting, but when she caught a glimpse of blue hair while she ate, all she felt was the envy inside her. It was a disgusting, slimy feeling, and she felt an odd guilt, for hating someone for being better, for the fact that she had made her own sister go through the same thing.

When she was younger, she thought that copying her sister’s hobbies would help them become closer again, that they would spend more time together again as they practiced the same things, but she was wrong. All she did was tear the two of them farther apart. All she did was make Sayo understand real, harsh inferiority and hatred, mixed in with the strong guilt that never escaped her, even as they both grew. She felt a smile ghosting itself over her features, and it felt fake as she threw her trash away and left the fast food store. 

It was hard to think, harder to say, without feeling like she wasn’t herself, despite it being the truth. She hated herself. It was so wrong. The Hina that everyone once knew didn’t hate herself. She was an easygoing, confident girl who did everything perfectly and thought herself unique rather than different despite knowing she would probably never truly understand someone else, or be understood. It seemed that times changed, or maybe, she had been hiding in the persona, in the craving to be that girl, all along.

Hina would stop bothering her sister. 

She woke up in the dark of night, and she couldn’t go back to sleep. It was hard to calm down enough to go to sleep, when whenever she closed her eyes, her brain wouldn’t stop working. It would tell her that she should do anything, show her rushed, half-created images of her own death that she couldn’t escape from. But a part of her relished it as well, as, torturing her, making her restless and want nothing more than the end, was something. It was something, more than nothing, and it gave her sick pleasure. It made her despise who she had become even more:

It was nothing at first, just some thoughts, saying that maybe it would’ve been better if Sayo was an only child, some thoughts that Hina could deal with, despite the pain it brought her. She was fine, she was fine, she was fine. She just had to breathe, to read something and forget about it. But it was the brief flashes of thoughts, the ones telling her to bite the bullet, to just let it all end, always intervening in her life without warning that kept her awake, listening to music desperately, hoping, until she was numb enough to fall asleep.

But despite how she tried, she couldn’t shake memories, thoughts of adventures, of a life where she could be herself and still feel passion, still feel enthralled by everything. Her last sparks of joy was from when she was a teenager, joyfully hanging out with Aya, supporting her idol band and laughing whenever she got something wrong. Her hand reached out to the ceiling, and her playlist started playing an instrumental piano cover of a song from when her band had debuted.

Perhaps death would be the next big adventure, she mused. She knew it wasn’t true, that there was probably only nothingness, an eternity of nothing ahead of her. But maybe that was alright. It would be the same, whether it’s an empty life or death. 

It hurt to think, and Hina liked that. She liked it more than going out, finding someone to quell her boredom and take her out of the emptiness before she could do something to ruin it and let the self-hatred bubble up higher and higher, suffocating her. She wished that she could still be who she once was, but she knew she couldn’t, and that who she once was wouldn’t understand her, anyways.

When she realized that her thoughts had grown to big, she wondered if perhaps, it was better to give in.

“I’m fine, Aya-chan! You don’t need to worry about me, I’m as boppin’ as always, so just go cuddle with your girlfriend.” Hina said with a blank expression, holding the phone to her ear and a finger on the button to hang up. Her head was down, and her hair fell to her sides. As the hair moved with her neck, she realized she hadn’t tied the braids in her hair. “Really, don’t worry! I’m not going to go fall apart, okay?”

“Yeah, goodbye.” Hina said grimly, feeling her voice crack a little as she pressed the red button. As she hung up, she could hear Aya, flustered and trying to say something, but failing before she could cut it off. Her hands dropped the phone, losing grip immediately, and it bounced onto the ground, falling in a spin and then a dull thud, next to the pills in front of her.

It was never about Aya. She wasn’t going to do it because she was heartbroken over a girl. She was too strong, too charmingly uncaring for that. It was never about her sister, despite how many times Hina had cried over her sister when she was younger. It was fine, now that she had realized the best thing she could do for her sister was stay away. It was always about her.

It was always about her, and the uneasy balance that kept her afloat and confident, the type that would never be regained once she fell once. It was a miracle she hadn’t already tried, that she never let herself fall before she had messed up the last good thing in her life. She reached out to the pills, and she held it close to her. No one would miss her, really. They would be sad, but realize that it was for the best in the end.

But despite her own thoughts, her own resolve, it was hard. She didn’t know what she was doing as she began to cry as she looked at the pills. “I don’t... I just...”

It hurt. 

It hurt so badly, she wanted to claw her heart of her chest and watch it tear apart. Hina wanted to scream until her throat fell into dysfunction, to hurt herself until she felt relief. She wanted for the world to let her have a break, to let her sleep and forget everything she could and couldn’t do. She knew it was what people would call foolish, to throw her own life away, yet she couldn’t...

Hina didn’t know what she did after that.


End file.
